European History 101

intro

I’ve talked a lot about Japanese history, but I haven’t touched on European history much. Obviously this needs to be corrected. European history over the last few thousand years is a very complex subject, and there are a lot of factors that need to be considered. However, I think this will do as a short summary of events on the continent.

Greece: “War?”

Persia: “War.”

Alexander: “WAR.”

Persia: “Holy shit.”

…later…

Rome: “War.”

Rest of Europe: “Who are you talking to?”

Rome: “ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.”

Carthage: “Bring it on, bitch!”

Greece: “Wait, where did you two even come from?”

romans

…later…

Rome: “SAY UNCLE!”

Rest: “UNCLEEEE!”

…later…

Vandals: “War.”

Visigoths: “War, sure.”

Franks: “Hell yeah.”

Huns: “Let’s get it on.”

Ostrogoths: “Waaaarrr.”

Saxons: “Well, I guess I can join you guys too.”

Rome: “Uhhh…timeout?”

Eastern Rome: “Screw this, I’m out of here.”

…much much later…

William: “Zing!”

Harold: “What the hell?”

…later…

Eastern Rome: “Well, things aren’t looking too good. But hey, at least I didn’t get completely screwed over like Western Rome. I mean, have you heard of the ridiculous “Holy Roman Empire” they have up there? I am the legacy of the Empire, not them!”

Europe: “Hey, maybe things will be peaceful in your corner at least!”

Eastern Rome: “Yeah!”

Ottoman Empire: “Hey now…”

Ottoman Empire: “…that’s one awesome city you got there.”

…later…

France: “HUNDRED YEARS!”

Europe: “AYE!”

Spain: “EIGHTY YEARS!”

Europe: “YES!”

Ireland: “A little nine year interlude here perhaps?”

Europe: “Sure, okay.”

Holy Roman Empire: “THIRTY YEARS!”

Europe: “THIRTY IS NOTH…holy fucking shit you guys that went a bit too far.”

holy roman empire

…later…

Sweden: “OUR NORTH!”

Russia: “OUR NORTH!”

Sweden: “Okay, okay, your north.”

…later…

France: “So, Spain seems a bit lonely there. Can I have it?”

Austria: “I don’t know, can I FUCK your MOTHER?”

France: “I think we both know what’s going to happen next.”

…later…

France: “FINE. KEEP SPAIN.”

Austria: “HA!”

Prussia: “Say France, it looks like they have a chick on the throne?”

France: “Whaaaaat, everybody knows chicks can’t rule kingdoms!”

Austria: “Huh?”

France & Prussia: “WAR!”

Rest: “WAR!”

Spain: “WHAT GODDAMN WAR ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!”

…later…

Europe: “Okay, maybe we are done with wars for a…”

Prussia: “WAAARRR come on like you didn’t see that coming.”

Europe: *sigh*

Britain & Prussia: “Holy shit we are badass.”

prussia

…later…

Europe: “Peace?”

French Revolution: “Haha, screw that.”

Europe: “Oh what the fuck now.”

…later…

Europe: “Okay, surprisingly that didn’t spread. Maybe now we can…”

Napoleon: “Say, that’s a nice continent you have there. You mind me taking it?”

Britain: “Hahah, brb guys, I’ll take care of this guy.”

Napoleon: “Really?”

Britain: “Holy crap.”

Britain: “A little help here?”

Austria & Russia: “Let’s show Britain how it’s done.”

Napoleon: “Reaaaallly?”

Austria & Russia: “Ow. Owwwwww. Ouch.”

Europe: “Okay, who the fuck is this Bonaparte fellow. Someone curb him down.”

General Winter: “Tag team, Nelson?”

Nelson: “Tag team.”

Napoleon: “Whoah hey now let’s calm down a bit.”

Europe: ” LEIPZIG. THERE! GET OUT!”

Napoleon: “I’LL BE BACK!”

Europe: “Pfft, yeah right. Okay, now with that crazy guy out of the picture, maybe we can…”

Napoleon: “I’M BAAACK!”

Europe: “…you have got to be shitting me.”

Everyone: “No seriously you guys, let’s put this dude down once and for all. Wellington, you do the honours.”

Napoleon: “Well, it was good while it lasted.”

Everyone else: “NO IT WASN’T.”

…later…

France: “So Prussia, I guess we are mortal enemies now.”

Germany: “PRUSSIA? PRUSSIA IS DEAD. I AM… GERMANY.”

Europe: “Uhh… this isn’t good, is it?”

prussia and germany

…later…

Serbia: “Zing!”

Austria-Hungary: “Hey! HEEY! HEY WHAT THE HELL NOW?! GERMANYYY!”

Germany: “Jesus goddamn Christ this is the dumbest reason to start a war EVER.”

France & Russia & Britain: “WAR!”

Europe: “WAAAAAAAAARRRRRRWAAARRRRRRRRGGHHGHH!”

Europe: “RRRRGHGHGHGGGHHHHG!!”

Europe: “NNNGNHHHGHHHRGHGRRHGHHHHHH!”

Europe: “Okay, this is ridiculous, why are the lines moving like two feet per month here? What sort of stupid war is this anyway?”

Soviet Union: “WAR? YOU MEAN REVOLUTION!”

Europe: “Oh, not one of those again. Well, the last one didn’t spread, I can’t see this one causing much trouble either.”

United States: “War?”

Germany: “Okay okay, I know when I have lost. Peace?”

Rest: “Peace? You mean PUNISHMENT?”

Germany: “I MEAN REVENGE!”

Europe: “Seriously you guys though, that’s the last war we are going to ever have. That was some crazy shit. That’s it. The end. War to end all wars. Peace in mankind forever. No way we can top that. ”

ww2 major players

…later…

Germany: “WAR!”

Europe: “I hate you guys so much that I can’t even describe it anymore.”

Germany: “ZILENCE! I WAS NOT FINISHED! ALSO GENOCIDE! EXTERMINATION! CONQUEST! LEBENSRAUM! REICH!”

France & Poland: “Holy fucking shit they went completely nuts.”

Britain: “Okay, uhh…I’m going to stay on my island for a while.”

Soviet Union: “Whew, luckily I managed to ally with those nutjobs. God only knows what might happen if it ever came to fighting between us.”

Germany: “ALLIES?! NEIN! KILL! KILL EVERYTHING! KILLLL! EX-TER-MI-NATE!”

Soviet Union: “AAAAHH WHAT THE HELL, GERMANY?!”

Germany: “DESTROY! MURDER!”

Soviet Union: “Oh, it’s a war of extermination you want? Really? You want to see who lasts longer, you or fucking Russia? You want to see who can take more? BRING IT ON.”

Germany: “OUR SUPERIOR FORCES WILL ANNIHILATE YOU! NOTHING CAN STOP US!”

General Winter: “Gentlemen.”

Wehrmacht: “…fuuuuccccckkkkkk.”

Sixth Army: “FUUUCCKKKKK.”

Hitler: “WE CAN STILL WIN THIS YOU GUYS.”

Wehrmacht: “Okay, maybe if we commit forces to here and…”

Hitler: “Oh yeah, I just declared war on the United States. I thought you should know.”

Wehrmacht: “…”

United States & Soviet Union: “Alright so since we know that we are going to win this war, let’s have a couple of conferences here to divide Europe up.”

Germany: “HEY! IT’S STILL NOT SURE WHO WILL WIN!”

United States & Soviet Union: “Okay, you have this…I’ll take this. You can get to Berlin, I’ll invade from here…”

Germany: “YOU GUYYSS!”

United States & Soviet Union: “And of course you will agree to attack Japan after all is done in Europe…”

Germany: “SERIOUSLY, THIS IS EMBARRASSING!”

United States & Soviet Union: “Alright, all settled? Good, let’s crush this guy.”

cold war

…later…

United States: “War?”

Soviet Union: “Did you learn nothing from those lunatics in Europe for the past two thousand years or so? Plus we got these city-destroying weapons now.”

United States: “…Cold War?”

Soviet Union: “…tell me more.”

…later…

Europe: “…”

Europe: “…war…?”

Everyone: “FUCK NO. NO MORE WARS. NEVER AGAIN.”

Europe: “Yeah right, I’ve lost hope with you guys.”

Everyone: “WE MEAN IT THIS TIME.”

Europe: “I don’t believe you.”

France: “NO YOU SEE? YOU SEE ME AND GERMANY? WE ARE KISSING, SEE? WE ARE KISSING AND MAKING UP.”

Germany: “*kiss* *kiss* NO WARS.”

Europe: “I’ve got this little idea about European Union that’s been on my mind for a while…”

Everyone: “Does it mean that there won’t be any more wars? THEN YES.”

…later…

Balkans: “Wa…”

Everyone else: “NO. BAD BALKANS. NO MORE WARS GODDAMNIT!”

Question of the post: Got a good summary of a historical period? Post it in the comments!

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About Dr. J.H. Watson

I’m a New Zealander, in my 30s, and until recently I lived in rural Japan. I have interests in history, pop culture, video games, and the clever use of language.
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